Dudley Dursley and the Gross Abnormality
by procyon
Summary: Based on the experiences of everyone's most misunderstood teenager and how he copes with having a cousin that's one of "them."


Dudley Dursley and the Gross Abnormality

**DUDLEY DURSLEY AND THE GROSS ABNORMALITY**

  
  
  


**-1-**

**-A Problem-**

Dudley Dursley had a problem. His problem was a large one, but there could have been worse. At least his fifteen years at number four, Privet Drive, had been comfortable. Except for having his annoying cousin Harry around- although it was quite fun to taunt the smaller boy, or even get in a kick now and again. No, Dudley's life was excellent, except for one small thing. 

He was terribly, horribly, rottenly, _fat_. 

And not your average heavyweight, either. It had been proven by his own mother that Dudley could eat so much that regular men would have burst five times over with his sort of diet. Until now, Dudley had always thought his weight an excellent way to convince others to join him. 'Join or be squished', and the like. 

This had changed not one week before these ponderings hit Dudley's brain. A normal boy would have thought these up at the time; but Dudley was, unfortunately, a bit slow in the head. That was more than made up for in largeness, however, his ever-abundant weapon. 

Cousin Harry, whose parents were killed thirteen years ago, had been home for the summer. 'His lot', as Dudley's mother said, didn't deserve to be in the house, but what could you do when his murdering godfather was angry and on the loose? So Harry had brought over his best friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. 

It was Hermione that Dudley noticed first. She was his exact opposite: a tall, good-looking, smart, and outspoken brunette. Dudley's short, fat, stupid, limited vocabulary wasn't sure what to think of her at first. She was part of 'that lot', but her parents were perfectly normal, and so Dudley thoroughly approved of the girl. 

When Dudley took to being kind to her, however, that overprotective _thing_ Weasley had taken out his wand and pointed it directly at the fat boy, who for once in his life didn't quite deserve what he was about to get. Dudley had no time for a shriek when the Weasley shot some yellow sparks at Dudley, which turned his skin, hair, and nails a vivid pink. 

Mother had spent a full four days scrubbing at her son's face in an effort to get the offending color off. In the end she succeeded, if you call rubbing off most of Dudley's skin and being yelled at for attempting to scrub certain places _succeeding_. 

Hermione hadn't laughed at this; she had given a stern lecture to both Weasley and Cousin Harry. Dudley had been very pleased and the thought of losing weight had begun to form then and there. Something the boy did not know was that his very own crush, Hermione Granger, had been lecturing about breaking magical rules and not hurting Dudley, but he couldn't know that when his ears were full of soap and water four days straight. 

One week later, Dudley's grand idea for a go at dieting struck. It would not be his first diet, although it would be the first time he agreed wholeheartedly. The subject would have to be brought up at a good time, however; Cousin Harry and his Weasley friend need not know about anything Dudley did in his personal life.   
  
  


**-The Eye Of The Beholder Has Been Temporarily Blinded-**   


Petunia Dursley was overjoyed when her son spoke to her about going on a diet. For one thing, the refrigerator certainly needed some time off; another thing was that it was awful to have something so bloated call her 'Mother'. 

Being a mother-type, however, Petunia treated her son as though he were two years old. In her mindset, if he was young, then it was all perhaps some baby fat that hadn't quite worn off as of yet. But it would soon. "Oh, Dinky Duddykins, you don't need to lose any weight- you're perfect!" she squealed. 

'Dinky Duddykins' would have none of this. After a fair amount of kicking and screaming (mostly from Dudley himself) Mother Petunia and Father Vernon set about to underfeeding their son. Vernon protested vehemently at first but gave up when he couldn't voice his fear: if Dudley indeed became smaller, then he, Vernon, would look horribly overweight next to a small son. And Vernon Dursley looking overweight would not bear well with his drilling company customers. 

A week and six days after Dudley's idea first began forming, he was set on a strict diet. 

And hated every moment. It was vicious; watching Cousin Harry gulp down tarts while staying thin as ever. Once glance at Hermione, though, and Dudley was nearly convinced of doing the right thing. 

Nearly. 

His first test came not very long into the diet. Weasel, as Dudley had heard Cousin Harry call his friend once (while doing an impression of some boy that Dudley thought had very good taste), was called away for a couple days because his mum was sick. As soon as Hermione wasn't around, Dudley laughed at the weasel's tears until Cousin Harry gave Dudley a good punch in the face. 

Once Mother Petunia had given Harry a reprimand (all she could do, thank to that stupid murdering godfather), Dudley set about going for walks around the same time that Hermione did. He would leave the house early in the morning dressed in fashionable sweatpants, then wait behind a group of trees for Hermione to appear. She would walk around and do some sight-seeing before Dudley chose to jog up beside her and start talking. Hermione was much to polite to refuse to talk to the boy (although she said some very nasty things behind Dudley's back that he would never know about) and was therefore forced into a half-hour's worth of conversation each day. 

Nasty Cousin Harry's birthday approached more quickly than Dudley would have liked. Actually, if Dudley had had his way, that cousin would never have had any birthdays at all. 

At six in the morning, a hundred owls came pelting down the fireplace, through the door (which they somehow managed to unlock), and even through Dudley's window. he hooting woke him up and caused the boy to jump, screaming at the top of his lungs, out of bed. He hid in the closet and dressed, then bolted out of his room straight into Hermione, who had heard the yelling. 

'What happened?' she asked, a tone of laughter in her voice that Dudley mistook for anger. 

'T-t-they attacked me,' Dudley sobbed pitifully. He had received numerous cuts on his arms while jogging and showed these to the girl. 'Ripped into me while I was doing homework, I never saw anything coming ... ' 

Due to a complete lack of sleep and rationalisation (she kept hearing clicking noises which she thought to be insects but was actually Dudley and his spy camera underneath the door), Hermione believed this story. She stormed down to Harry's room and banged on the door until he opened it sleepily. 

'Harry, he might not deserve complete kindness, but really, attack owls? I hope Ron comes back soon to knock some sense into you. Even Fred and George wouldn't have done this.' 

Cousin Harry opened his mouth (to say that actually Fred and George had once done worse) but Dudley appeared behind Hermione, who suggested she be allowed to practice her medicine skills on his arm. Dudley stuck his tongue out over Hermione's retreating back, which made Cousin Harry grab his wand and point it threateningly at his cousin. 

Dudley yelped and scarpered. 

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Right, end part one. I'd love to have some opinions, as in, should I continue this? Thought it up during Social... that might explain the insanity level. 

_-Cy_

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End file.
